One month ago I had to take a really hard decision which required a huge sacrifice: breaking a person’s heart. On what grounds? I do not have to reveal them. Everyone has his or her reasons by taking a decision and we are no one to judge them.
In 13 Reasons Why, Hannah Baker showed us how harmful rumours and judgment can be. What looks like a childish game can end up in a person killing herself. And that is what I am living right now.
Before deciding, I meditated for a long time about the consequences. No matter how much I thought about it. Judgment is always there ready to strike back and treat me as if I had committed a crime.
However, life taught me many thinks. I recognise that there is a long way ahead of me, a long way of going through hard situations which will require all my strength to endure them and making more undesirable decisions.
But I learned that this is life.
And rumours are there, haunting me from every corner. I heard many things behind my back: that I have an affair, that I am a coward, that I am crazy, that I do not know what I want in my life, that I am making choices because of someone else that is manipulating me…
I have to say that I am grateful. Some time ago I would care about that. I would even feel terrified and not sleep at nights, but now I do not even give a damn. I walk among these people and stare at those backstabbers in the eye without flinching, and more importantly, without judging them. I do not hate them. I do not even feel pity for them. No hard feelings. It is just, I do not feel guilty and I feel brave and loyal to myself.
Because I have learned how to respect myself. End of story.
And that it feels incredibly good, not to flinch, not to be a coward, not to be affected by these rumours that say that I am the biggest pig and cruel man in the world. My heart is not pure, of course, but it is not evil. And thanks to these learnings, I am capable of not wishing killing myself as Hannah Baker did in 13 Reasons Why. Ok, there is no need to be so dramatic. At least I will not end up in a depression.
What’s the next step? Keep growing, because I need to grow up in many areas and getting more mature to face those who want to take advantage of me, of my skills and my personal situation. But all requires patience. As I usually say, everything at the right time and, at the right time, I will learn (I hope it is soon and not too late).
In the meanwhile, while others are talking shit about me, I keep on focusing on my goals, on my upcoming adventure to new lands. Because despite the rumours, I keep on working to reach my goals. I am not waiting for anyone. Not anymore.
I keep on walking on this 1.000 miles journey in which I am, as Lao-Tsé suggests. Those who are true to me, will stand by side despite the distance. So will I with them.
I hope you liked this entry.